Weary

I have always thought the word ‘weary’ was just plain weird.  It often seems tired, worn out, and exhausted cover that corner of the adjective world, but in recent weeks, I have come to embrace the word ‘weary.’  There is an exhaustion that can overwhelm the mind, body, and spirit that just drains all of the life force out of you – that is what I feel weary is.   I have felt tired and exhausted and worn out before.  But I am weary now in a way I have never known.

Eight weeks ago was Mother’s Day.  It was a nice and quiet Mother’s Day, and I did not know it would be the last one I shared with my mother.  Seven weeks ago, we threw a late but large birthday party for my son and around 40 of his friends.  It was a big task, but a wonderful day for him.  Six weeks ago, my oldest daughter graduated from high school and I turned 41 years old.  It was an emotional time, but in happy ways.  Five weeks ago, we celebrated that graduation with a huge open house and the chance to see so many friends and family.  It was a special time, but a long day.  Four weeks ago, my mother passed away.  I don’t have any words to describe the ache I still feel for her, and the stream of thoughts running through my mind about missed opportunities to spend more time with her before she left this world.  Three weeks ago, I directed the first week of Vacation Bible School for our church with almost 400 children.  I had amazing help from a plethora of people, but it is a daunting task.  Two weeks ago, I directed the second week of VBS for our church at our multi-site with just over 60 children.  It was a different experience at a new location and very fulfilling as far as program firsts go, but draining nonetheless.  And one week ago, I tried to breath and prepare for my mother’s memorial service that happened last week.  It was a beautiful service and a wonderful time sharing memories with friends and family, many of whom I hadn’t seen in years.  But it reopened the chasm in my heart that simply cannot be filled by her memories.  Today, I try to breathe again and refocus on the next four weeks, which I will spend in Hong Kong leading a team in running VBS programs there.  I am praying for the strength which I know that God will provide to get through this month, but just thinking about it makes my bones and brain ache.  I am weary.  I am more weary than I have ever known, in my body, my mind, and my soul.

I don’t write this today for a Dina Pity Party.  I know that no one can change the schedule put together months and months ago because I am dealing with a personal loss.  I just have never walked this road before – this weary one.  I am like the Energizer Bunny when it comes to crazy schedules.  But I am sure there are others out there who are overwhelmed in a similar way, searching for something to find strength and courage to get through the day, week, month, or whatever they are facing.  That is what I have been searching for, and of course, I can find it in God’s word.

Isaiah 40:28-31 reads “Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

For the mornings that I don’t want to get out of bed because I am overwhelmed by the “to do” list for the day, he gives me the strength that I need.  For the days when I don’t feel like I can sleep because I am worried about everything, he gives me peace.  For the times when I just feel like I can’t take another step, he helps me to run.  I just need to surrender to him.  And when I am this weary, that isn’t hard to do.  I just have to keep waiting for him to fill me up again.

Renewing,

Dina Newsom

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8 thoughts on “Weary

  1. Respectfully, if that causes you to become weary, what will you be doing in a series of real Job-trials, become homeless & disabled, with wife & kids? Persecuted by Christians, shunned by family, no friendly face, no car, no income? If you let everyday things wear you out, change how you perveive reality.

    Jeremiah 12:5
    “If you have raced against others on foot, and they have tired you out, how can you compete with horses? If you stumble in open country, how can you live in the jungle along the Jordan River?

    • I only know the road I walk right now which my Lord is laying out for me, it has just been overshadowed for me by my mother’s death and not having the time to grieve. I cannot predict my reactions to different trials, although I know He will carry me through if I let Him. I write to encourage those who feel comfort seeing similarities to their own path.

      • I am sorry for your loss. See if you can take time to picture yourself becoming disabled and homeless, no car, in one go with a wife and young children, then having to live in absolute faith in a country where racial discriminatory laws exist and none can find a job. Then to get shunned by some family, ousted by others and persecuted by the church you need as a support base. Coming from a sophisticated background, to have to share a home with pimps, prostitutes, drug addicts and other criminals. Be the light-bearer for Christ and yet be disowned by your own. Furthermore, to see people sabotage His rescue work time and again.

        This is how many reborn Christians in third world countries are forced to live every day. My wife walks some 20km every day to hawk the fashion accessories she makes by night. How weary will you be doing that, while still sharing Jesus at every single stop? Sometimes, she can only really start selling by 5pm as all of the day goes into witnessing. She is 50 and not in good health herself. I am just trying to give you a perspective on seventeen years of extreme hardship while not losing faith, not giving up on Jesus. Now picture yourself in such a situation and try to see how much of cold, wet nights in a makeshift shelter you could take before becoming weary. I am not here to challenge you or be argumentative but really perhaps asking you to just count your blessings. Your difficult one is one we would gladly embrace, thinking we died and went to heaven. Really, I mean it.

      • Not once in my thoughts have I ever considered myself not blessed, nor did I say I wasn’t. I did not even write to reflect sadness in any way, just the feeling of being weary in my way. I am human with my own joys and struggles, and that is what I write about. I do not believe one situation is ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than another. God puts us each through different trials at different times. I do believe perspective is relative, and I have not walked the road that you have. That is what you share in your blog. The Lord gives us each our own hearts to share. I am not trying to compare mine to anyone’s.

      • My wife lost a dad, a mother and a brother – we could not attend the funeral of the brother. my parents live just sixty miles away but they just as well could have lived across the ocean as we can never get to see them. They are in an old age home and we have no means of transport. I try to text them every day. I fear the moment I get the call to say they are no more.

  2. I too understand the weary you are talking about. This week we will bury a 2nd child, our oldest daughter, who passed away in a tragic accident on the 4th of July. We were in your same position of many commitments to others when our son passed away a few years ago. What we witnessed then was how God’s glory shines through to carry us through our hardship. I learned to treasure this state of weary. Only the great I Am could show us how to treasure weariness! I am seeing His goodness as friends and family lift us in prayer. I knew it would be coming and I have watched for it so I could fully see and appreciate God’s Glory. Our God is a great big God. God knows our own personal weary. Just as a sin is a sin whether it is a white lie or murder, our weariness is not measured by Him. He is there for us no matter the circumstances that lead us to this journey. We can dwell in His shelter. “You are my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” God does not compare weariness amongst His children. He simply is there to walk alongside of us and loves us right where we are. During this time of weariness, may God reveal His goodness in ways you have not experienced before. We are truly heartbroken as you are. I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I find great hope in our situation to see how God “gifts” us during the journey with more glimpses of Him to draw us closer.

    • Thank you, Jan. May God’s peace and strength carry you through this week and in your grieving to come, as we know it will. Your family will be in my prayers.

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