Thy Will Be Done

In the past month several people who I know people who have had their lives dramatically changed, as well as many people across the nation and the world. Personally I have experienced the pain of losing a close friendship, the death of a friend from church and watching my health get worse and worse.

Each time I have tried to pray, I find myself short of words. What usually comes out are tears. I keep reminding myself that God hears me even through the tears. I’ve often wondered where God is during the most trying times we are experiencing.

Last week I sat in a new doctors office, waiting to hear his interpretation of what I am going through with my health. I looked over at my husband wondering what to do next, was it listen, cry or run out of the office. I chose to listen to what the doctor said and then my response was “Sir, you may think I am crazy but I would rather have cancer than what I have. You see, this condition (Fibromyalgia) was dealt to me because another human being chose to sexually abuse me, causing me physical pain-possibly for the rest of my life.” I’m not sure what he thought of my comment, I have a feeling this may not have shocked him.

I began to cry, knowing that the enemy is winning. He wants me to hold on to this pain, to this grudge and not ever let go until it kills me. Each time I smell paint thinner in an old building, the memories flood back. Just when I think I have let it go, these horrible feelings begin again.

A few weeks ago, a friend from church (thank you J, your words that day will never leave me), told me about how a song has really touched her. We happened to sing it that day in church, it’s called “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott. I couldn’t get enough of the lyrics, it was just what I needed to hear.I’d like to share them with you:

Thy Will by Hillary Scott

“I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done”

God (in His own timing) finally brought the right doctors in my path. They have a plan, to attack this disorder from many avenues, not just by medicating me. While working with my counselor, I will face the smell of paint thinner. Over and over again, I will slowly get used to smelling it until my brain is retrained. I will also have a sleep study to see why I keep jumping out of bed in my sleep, at times injuring myself. I will also start exercising, not to lose weight but to help my brain connect to the correct nerves again in my body. Finally, a doctor listened to me.

God saw me, He heard me. Now, I need to quit trying to be God and remember….He IS.

On my knees,

Carey

 

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

 

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